Lil' Mikey

Delovely

2005-10-25T22:35:00.000+08:00

i miss him

i'm back...

2005-10-20T21:08:00.000+08:00

i thot i won't be signing in into this blog anymore... but it seems that today, the things i want to say is not appropriate for the main blog...

why can't i let everyone read what i truly feel? why can't i allow everyone to know when i'm down, when i'm fragile, just like chang? i used to be able to show everyone how i feel, how i am... why is it tt now, i'm more comfortable putting on a front instead?

just had another with him today... been a while since i last chatted with him... wasn't really interested in chatting really but he msged me last nite... been feeling emotional, mainly 'cos of PMS, i think...

anyway, back to the topic of him... it was a usual chat, nothing special... he told me how busy he was, n i told him likewise... it was a short conversation and i ended the conversation teling him tt i might be going back home in dec... he wanted to ask further n confirm if i was but we didn't as i had to leave... but this cliff-hanger left a sense of excitment in me... somewat like i felt some hope again.. tt he might be happy to see me back in singapore... but then again, it cld probably be just me... playing my own little game...

i asked chang the other day, wld there be any hope left for me n him...? she mentioned that she can see that i still have hope... it stuck me then... do i? i think it's not exactly tt i still have hope, but that feelings do not just die off... once u had such deep love for someone, it's not possible that this affection can be forgotten overnight... ok, not exactly overnight... it's been more than 9 mths...

i think i just need a companion probably... but i'm no longer sure what love is, what love is about... my past definition of love have been smashed into pieces, i no longer have any definition of this thing called love... or maybe i've not found the right one yet...

wat's up with me??

2005-09-05T01:08:00.000+08:00

tt's the question tt i've been asking myself for the past few days...

just had a conversation with him... been feeling that our conversations these days have been too superficial and surfacial... wanted to clarify things with him n his response was that he has been very honest and true to me... he hasn't been superficial and he has been very upfront... i told him i haven't been n he told me to not hesitate to be upfront with him as well...

i wonder if i am truly upfront with him with all my thots, will he be able to take it? or will he think that i'm still this gal that hasn't gotten over the pasts? has he even gotten over our past? has he gotten over me?

though i'm very tempted to, i'm just worried what will happen again when i bare myself to him... will i fall again n have to pick myself up again when my feelings are not reciprocated?

my fren who broke up with his gal abt a mth after mine, seems to be moving on already... he seems to be getting on but what is happening to me here?? how long has it been? it's coming to 8 mths... why haven't i seemed to have moved on...?

i need to talk to him abt this whole conversation thing again... i'll prob write a mail... but not today... i'm too tired....

there i go again

2005-08-30T23:42:00.000+08:00

feel like i'm in a mess... cannot seem to focus right....
thot i've straightened my thots out the other time.... why am i messed up again?
fed-up! with myself, with everything!

day of pondering...

2005-08-24T00:55:00.000+08:00

it took me abt 7 mths to realise that it's really 'there's no more us'...

much as i do not wish for things to change... much as i wish things were the same... but things will never be the same neither will things remain unchanged...

i need to clarify our situation... but not too sure if it's a good idea at all to clarify or even talk abt anything remotely abt us, our situation... but this is not the type of frenship tt i'm looking for... or perhaps if i really treated him as a normal fren, none of these 'expectations' will arise...

maybe sometimes leaving things in the grey area is better than to have it black n white... life may not always be in black n white... but how much of grey area can one withstand? how much of concern shd one show for one another..? or rather, how much of ur life do u want to get involved in another's?

Perth, Western Australia

2005-08-16T11:00:00.000+08:00

finally, after being here for 2 weeks, the full impact comes to me...
the last weekend was one of my lowest points here and probably one of the many to come... started to question myself, my purpose of being here, my future, my everything... became overly upset too when i discovered that i have no control of anything whatsoever in my life...

so many things i left in Singapore, so many things i wish i can cling onto for familarity's sake, but just to realise that there's nothing i can cling onto nor have a hold on... i wish i can tell him everything that is going on in my head and heart, i wish it wld be reciprocated too... but it's all just 'i wish'...

i dun dare to try... not even to tell him how i feel... i'm afraid that everything will backfire again... i know, very clearly, that the time is not right, the situation is not right, in fact, nothing seems right at the moment... but when will the right time/situation be? or perhaps there might never be a right time/situation anymore......

i wish to let go... i wish to forget... but how can i when he is still such a big part in my life? he's frens are my frens, the people who are keeping me company now here in this foreign land are his frens, the things we talk abt sometimes revolves too much ard him... when will i ever get out of this 'circle'?

i'm quite put off already... knowing that he doesn't know what he wants... the appeal is no longer as strong when i knew that i wasn't his 'world'... i want to live my life here... start my life anew... but why is it tt i can't seem to let go? why is it tt i can't seem to forget or even to enjoy my time here? perhaps the time is not right yet... perhaps i need more time to adjust, to enjoy whatever tt i'm given here, by the grace of God... perhaps i will know better a few more months down the road... in this cold and foreign land Downunder...

yo yo yo.. wazzup!

2005-08-12T16:37:00.000+08:00

Leaving Singapore

2005-07-30T02:17:00.000+08:00

Finally, the time has arrived... the day that i've been looking forward to since years back... everyone has been asking me how i feel... in actual fact, it hasn't even hit me yet... i'll prob feel it tml at the airport... =p

it has been a good week, meeting up with frens and finding out who are those who truly care... a good week, but an unnerving one as well... so many things happened within this week, it's no wonder i'm suffering from fatigue and outbreaks... heh...

it is also during this week, tt i realise how i've changed and at the same time, how i'm still the same ole me...

suddenly, as i was sitting there thinking through the past 7 mths, everything all came crashing back into my fatigued brain... all at once, i lost what i wanted to write in here about... or rather, the events in my life has been too exciting and eventful to be put down in words, but only in memory...

i dunno wat to expect after tml, neither do my future appear before my eyes... i am stepping into the great unknowns, with a future that only time will tell... i only pray that God will be merciful and trust that He will carry me through...

thank you all, for your support and encouragement for the past 7 mths, i have a bunch of really great frens... till the next entry from downunder, see you guys soon...

Tanisha Mei Murugesh

2005-07-04T01:04:00.000+08:00

she was born on 19th April 2005.

the first few months of babyhood hasn't been really fascinating... she was alseep most of the time and hardly had the opportunity to play with her... her vision wasn't too developed too, she stares balnkly most of the time... learnt how to carry her in my arms and it's really cute when she thinks that your her mother and turns to your breasts to suckle... haha!

she's getting fatter every week i see her... so chubby now that her thighs really literally looks like chicken drumsticks... played with her when she came over to our hse on thurs (this time, she was awake most of the time) and she smiled when i was tickling her under her chin... her arms were swinging wildly and she was thrashing her legs defiantly while lying in her basket, wondering wat her aunt is doing tt looks so ridiculous, she has to laugh to stop her...!

she has really big eyes, small though compared to the other indian kids, but considered big in the chinese blood... her hair is thick and curly but she has the same nose that runs in the family... round n flat... =p oh, n her lips... hahah... thick like my sister's but only on the lower lip... heh... u would expect her to have those really nice baby smell... but she doesn't.... in fact, she stinks... she perspires so much, my goodness, u won't believe it... maybe it's good tt way, she prob has high metabolism! i carry her in my arms for 5 mins and i can feel the perspiration from her head dripping onto my arms... =p

baby smell or no, she's my darling nevertheless... she was crying really badly when she left on thurs 'cos it was very warm and she was hungry... i tried to talk to her, cajole her to stop, but she just wldn't... then, i knew it, i started to sing to her... n you know wat...? she stopped crying immediately! instantaneous effect, i tell you... and once her mother placed her into her space shuttle in the car, she started at it again... heh... she loves my voice!!

ahhh... my niece.... can't wait to see her again on thurs... she's gonna be a charmer when she grows up, i tell u... just like her aunt...! ;)

ANXIETY!

2005-06-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

now that my preparations for Downunder is in full swing, I can't help but feel somewhat jitterish... i'm excited and yet quite unsure as well... been thinking for years how much i wish i can leave this place, but in the recent mth, i've been marvelling at how nice and good our country is... moreover, social life seems picking up and just afraid of how it'll be like when i go over to tt, what many ppl refer to as "God-forsaken place"...

my applications seem a bit late... really dunno whether i can get everything ready in time... my loan, school application, visa etc...

shd be studying rite now for my paper tml but just can't seem to get my heart to calm down... i have so many things to do, i'm jitterish...

went out for a little ice-cream with my fren last nite n he mentioned that i'm the type of girl who cannot take care of herself... he's not the first person to say tt to me... made me really wonder how i'll cope over there, or who i'll become or how i'll change... am i really tt 'airy' as he said? perhaps i am... perhaps i've always been in the clouds, only too often to find myself falling down when reality shows its ugly snares...

gonna be 2 yrs soon

2005-06-16T23:11:00.000+08:00

read thru my blogs today and realised that they really do sound pretty despressing... heh...
wanted to delete them off but thot otherwise...
guess i just wanted to keep that part of me that was going thru the really down side...
not tt i'm tt "up" now and everything looks rosy n cheery...

just had a bad bout of fever and cold and had to take my exams in tt condition...
it's was pretty terrible, if u ask me, esp if u're having periods as well....
at one pt, my temperature shot up and every part of my body felt like lead....
moving my head was a feat and not to mention, the cramps in the stomach...
but all's well, recovering now... just hoping my left nostril can clear up asap...

been thinking today... wat is it tt i want? wat is it tt can make me happy again?
a new boyfriend? nope... not ready yet...
a fling? nope... too shallow...
my ex-boyfriend? nope... not now, not if he's treating me this way....
stay single? nope... i want a companion, someone to care for me... but then again, i'm afraid to let someone else in... singlehood now seems so safe... so now, wat exactly do i want??

LoVe!

2005-05-24T15:04:00.000+08:00

the amazing thing is that wat moves me to tears is no longer memories of him, but his family....

FiNaLlY

2005-05-14T03:12:00.000+08:00

took a day to mourn...
kept away from everyone else...
2 days later, I find myself more relieved than anything...
all strings have been cut...

perhaps it took too long...
was lost in darkness for too long...
now, finally, the light at the end of the darkness seems more reachable...
now, the road seems easier without the strings...

i did what i did because i have to, because i need to...
for myself, it's reliefing the pain and burden...
for him, it's the same...
for the both of us, it's better this way...

without these strings, everything will be easier...
he can concentrate on his life better...
he don't have to worry about me or be concerned...
he can work on and towards his future...

i know i did the right thing......

Dear God

2005-05-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

Help me...

"nothing-ness"

2005-04-30T00:17:00.000+08:00

have u ever felt "nothing-ness"?
what exactly is "nothing-ness", u ask?
"nothing-ness" = emptiness
"nothing-ness" = not daring/willing/wanting to feel
"nothing-ness" = numbness

absence is bliss?
avoidance is best?
why did he come then to play tennis?
'cos he hasn't played for too long a time?
'cos he wanted to use the opportunity to see me?
or maybe to make a statement tt he's not avoiding me?

can't think, shdn't think, don't want to think...
but yet, you can't help but let your mind wonder a bit sometimes...
asking for trouble, isn't it...?
but oh well, no matter how much you think, "nothing-ness" is not going to change...

major question: "so what's going to happen next?"

TuEsDaYs

2005-04-27T15:25:00.000+08:00

tuesdays have become officially tougest day of the week...
b4 today, tuesdays were difficult 'cos i knew i'll be seeing him in school...
now tuesdays are just as difficult 'cos i'm avoiding him, on purpose...
does he know? does he sense it?

it seems like recently we've come to a mutual unspoken agreement...
we are avoiding each other...
i try not to be online often now, or rather, i have no more purpose in coming online often anymore... but during times when i do come on, he's hardly here too...
is he online less often as it's easier to avoid each other tt way, just as what i'm doing?
or is he simply just too caught up with his life?

when will this ever end?
when can i smile like i used to again?
why is it tt when i'm laughing and happy, i still feel so depressed?
when can i be normal again...?

Irony of Ironies

2005-04-01T16:02:00.000+08:00

Funny how your past gets to you...
Ghosts from the past never leaves you...

He left but now still, he wants back...
He left but doesn't seem to want to turn back...
2 different people in my life,
2 who left me hurt and broken hearted...

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...

I wish the one who wants back wasn't him...
I wish the one who says he misses me, wasn't him...

Who will be the next to turn from me?
Or will the next, be my last...?

Happy Day To You!

2005-03-31T16:11:00.001+08:00

fulfilled day

the past few days have been fabulous!
it's so different now that you've put everything behind you...
it's as if you suddenly see the light!

the past 3 mths have been... eventful...
so many things happened in this short 3 mths....
2 people got admitted into the hospital, for starters... heh...
great start ot a new year!

went through utter darkness and depression and back...
never amazes me how I managed to hold it up...
all credit goes to Him, our Lord Jesus...
i forgot about Him and now, He brought me back...
Praise His holiest, lovliest name!

the last few mths of our relationship and for the past 3 mths,
i think i've given him sadness and pain more than anything else...
because of this reason, i have given up everything...
i've brought enough unhappiness to him, it's time i stop...

if love means giving him happiness, without my presence,
this is my gift of love to him...

As much as...

2005-03-28T23:29:00.000+08:00

As much as my heart aches to see him in pain there, lying on the bed...
there is nothing I can do...

As much as I wish to help him, take care of him,
I know that nothing helps...

As much as I wish I could treat him truly platonic,
I know as of now, I cannot....

As much as I wish I was at his bedside now,
he probably doesn't even want me there...
or probably wish someone else was there...

As much as I wish to do all these,
I have to know that soon, other people might take what used to be my place...

I have to let go, for him...
I have to be strong, I have to go on....

Chapter 1

2005-03-25T17:57:00.000+08:00

I remembered that day, I was still nursing a wounded heart. My friend invited me to join him to attend someone's birthday party. I was pretty unwilling as I didn't know anyone there, but my friend was insistent. He wanted me to get out and meet more people, instead of staying couped up at home.
At the really last hour, I agreed...

When I first reached there, I was pretty much alone. No one came to talk to me, neither did I attempt to talk to anyone. I was contented to just stick around my friend, who tried to make things more comfortable for me by supplying me with continuous food and drinks. Then, a guy, John, came over. Can't really remember how we started off the conversation but we managed to hit it off quite well. He told me the group of guys he came with and I glanced over and noticed the bunch of them 'huggling' in one corner. I remembered saying in my mind then, that this bunch of guys are really losers! Here is a girl who's meeting these people for the very first time and appearantly, not very comfortable and none of them even tried to make things more pleasant for me!

Throughout the evening, I remembered my friend asking me this question, who do you think is the best-looking in the group? I pointed out 2 guys, one in orange and the other in black but the guy in orange seemed rather pudgy, I mentioned. My friend said, "What?? Pudgy? You haven't seen him before! He was ten times bigger!"

Finally half way into the evening, a little commotion started when my firend lost something and a few of the guys were desperately trying to help him search for it in the dark of the night. At that moment, I was standing beside 'him', the guy in orange. We started talking and found out that we actually had rather common interests and things to talk about. The more we talked, the more excited we got and the faster we talked. It was pretty funny with 2 people rambling away like a machine gun...

Towards the end of the night, the guys decided then to catch a movie in town for a midnight show rather than to end the night. I took 'his' car and first stop was to 'his' place, as 'he' wanted to change. Due to shortage of time, 'he' decided to drive faster than usual, very fast in fact. I remembered sitting in the back seat, clutching on the the door handles, enjoying every moment of the ride. I think I should have felt frightened, but I didn't! I was enjoying the ride more than anything! Heh...
He did drive very fast, but careful at the same time. I was very impressed...

The rest of the night was a blur... I remembered his mum shouting from her bedroom in her PJs, scolding how he could have forgotten his keys again. I remembered going for supper after the show and taking a ride home from him together with Leo, another of 'his' friends, who lives in town.

Before all of us parted our ways, my friend asked me this question, "Do you want me to give you his number if he asks for it?" I think I replied something along the lines of, "If he wants to, ask me personally."

3 days later, my friend called me from his office and passed the phone to 'him'. 'He' asked for my number...